Friday, May 10, 2013

Sunshine and Rainbows

Hello again.

I've been busy enjoying as much of spring as I can, while feeling a bit unwell at times. Part of the unwell feeling is that I am low in iron and vitamin D, and part was and maybe still is the after-effects of loss, and a fairly big part is that I am expecting again.

I am due somewhere in the neighborhood of December 12th. Mine tended to be late before Enoch, but I am unsure if that pattern will continue. I've heard people call the baby after a lost baby a rainbow baby. Whatever term you use, I really desire this child to live, to be in my arms this winter, to eat, coo, smile, laugh, roll, crawl, sit, stand, walk, run, jump, dance, climb, talk, sing, draw, write, learn, grow, cry over schoolwork, grin with hard earned success, and love God and other people in the coming years.

Things are actually a bit uncertain this time too, though. Though the only diagnosis on my paperwork was "threatened abortion" (which is a sign of how horrid obstetric terminology is and how it should be canned), but from the description the ER doctor gave me, we are waiting to see if baby thrives despite a subchorionic hemorrhage, or SCH. Yes, I went to the ER with intense pain. The pain was mainly in the area of the ovary I ovulated on, so we were worried about ectopic pregnancy. But that doesn't appear to have been the case. Baby is in the right place. But at risk, for now anyhow.

I've not really had any traditional spotting, which is good. But a few times I have had another disconcerting sign I have overdone it, which no one on the interwebs seems to have had. To give TMI... Like the very beginnings of a period, where you don't see active blood, but tiny bits of lining stuff, but then I rest and nothing more happens. And neither the ER staff nor my doctor's office staff have a reason I felt like death with a pain, worse than childbirth, that hasn't come back since a couple minor bouts the next couple days after the ER day. So I am left wondering what on earth is going on in there. I'm still hopeful for the child, but also emotionally a bit aloof because of last time and the small risk this time. Part of me wonders if things are like this because there was still some unresolved healing after Enoch. Part of me wonders if the pain was that there was a resolved ectopic twin or something they didn't see because it was gone. And part of me wonders if my reproductive system is just scared. I don't know.

I do know that if I hear the heartbeat in June, I will be relieved. If I hear it again in July, I will be more relieved. If the ultrasound says baby is healthy, I will start feeling reality is good since I made it past the loss point of before. And this birth just may be the first one I cry when it ends well. I'm usually just contented and happy, but I have so much more inside this time around.

I also know the weather is fantastic, I need to plant in the amazing raised beds my husband built and filled for me, and I am really loved.